maybe they're pieces of me

1 - still not really here.

2 - funerals and wakes are difficult when people don't talk about the deceased.

3 - I hate being a girl.

4 - blowing shit up and shooting aliens in the head makes me happy. (Not in reality, obviously.)

5 - I need a new job. Anyone need a PA? I'm bloody good at it.

( In conclusion: )

(cross posted to InsaneJournal 'cause poor Wench can't access LJ at work anymore...)

So here's the thing. I am completely snowed under at work right now, my boss is away getting married, a million and one things need to be done in her absence. That's not the problem.

Most, if not all, of the million and one things I have to do all need to be done online on one particular website. Guess what website is currently down? Guess what website's tech support is based in the US and won't be contactable for another three hours (aprox)? Yeah...

So there actually is *nothing* I can do except keep checking the site now and then to see if it's back and try to look busy so I don't end up transferring microfilms from metal reels to plastic ones.

And here's the thing. I have writing I want to do, writing I'm committed to doing, but it's most definitely not work. So... do I do it anyway?

(and yes, that really is me in the icon. There's a long story about the empty bottle of JD we're all holding and I'm in no way sober in that picture (but then, neither are Steve or Cat so) but I'll go into that later...)

No, I'm not dead. I'm just being a little bit absent right now while I get on with some stuff that needs doing.

I do however have a request for advice from you guys (posting this just to IJ just because I'm not posting to LJ until I have some of the prompts ready to go...)

I have a very, very large video file which I have been working on for angelnetgirl over at LJ. It's of the Steve Carlson gig, and it's ended up being a hair shy of 600MB. So here's my question, is there *any* file sharing sites which will take that size file on a free account?

And... could someone who's used HJSplit to split a file maybe talk me through it? I've used it to put a file back together but I've no clue how it works so...

Cheers!

Ladies and gentlemen, roll up, roll up!

Watch as the wonderous highs slide into the deepest lows...

Yeah. I'm sliding into depression again. And what really, really pisses me off is that I was so damn happy last week. Seven days ago I was on my way to a gig and was really looking forward to it. Six days ago I was on a bus on my way home from that gig completely over the moon after having had an amazing time and talking to Steve both on stage and off and generally having had a blast.

Today. I'm... depressed. I'm sitting at my desk at work trying desperately not to cry. Thank goodness my hair's gotten to ridiculous Sammy-lengths now because I can hide behind my fringe (bangs) and hope no one can see.

Yes, I forgot to take my meds this morning, but they shouldn't be affecting me this quickly - it's normally around the twelve hour mark that I really start to feel it and by then I'm on my way home to take them.

I'm having money issues, I've just lied to a credit card company on the phone (the old "the cheque's in the post" lie) and I'll be doing the exact same thing again tonight when I speak to another two companies. My car's off the road, probably indefinately, my sister's pissed off at me (although not a patch on how pissed off I am at her) and I've no internet access at home now (thanks to my sister).

At least I've got my health... right?

Monday afternoon, right after lunch, we had Creative Writing in P-5 in Primary School (I guess that's equivalent to Elementary School for you non-Brits? P-5 means Primary 5, I would have been... 8?)

I remember this conversation in the vague way that young children do.
Me: I remember there's a word that's like a clearing in a wood?
Teacher: And it's not clearing?
Me: No... I don't think so. I think it's "corpse"?
Teacher: That means something else.
Me: No... it's not right, it's something like it though. It's where rabbits go. (*god love me, I think I might have listened to Bright Eyes at home that weekend....)
Teacher: It's not 'clearing'?
Me: No. It sounds like corpse.
Teacher: There's no such word. You're making it up. Sit down.


Me: (twenty-or-so years later, and twenty-or-so years to late): It's COPSE, bitch....

yeah... I have issues with some of my teachers in Primary School. One - Miss Lemon, music teacher ("What are you trying out for, Shona, bass?") and the woman who told me there was no such word when I knew I had read it somewhere.

The word I was looking for was Copse. The fact that at the age I was I could say it sounded like Corpse should have impressed you, not made you tell me there was 'no such word'. Yeah.... whatever your name was, you made me question authority and recognise that I knew more than you did before my age hit double figures. I hope you're proud/

It's actually feeling like summer now, there's this thing in the sky, it's very bright and makes the day kinda warm. It's yellowish, but my eyes hurt when I look at it - anyone know what it might be?

I really want to be productive today, but I'm thinking nothing much is going to get done given that I stayed in bed until about midday and am already tired at half five. So yeah... not much is going to happen.

No idea why I'm posting, just to confirm that I'm still alive I guess.

Oh, and given some of the drama that's gone on over on my LJ flist, anyone who has an ambition to be a BNF is automatically suspect to me. And really, one person's BNF is someone else's Who?

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

i r... not well.

It's suddenly really warm in this office and I think I'm going to keel over. I think I'm the only one feeling the heat since everyone else is sitting here in jumpers and jackets.

And I suck at writing right now - cannot get these drabbles out of my head onto paper for some reason and it's annoying me.

(Plus, he probably won't read this, but Monkey's being strangely annoying today. I didn't ever watch Monkey Magic when I was a kid, I was not aware of it. I'm not a Blur fan. I'm not a Gorrilaz fan. Do I give a crap that Damon Albarn has written an opera about Monkey Magic? Do I buggery. I'm a geek, but I'm not that much of a geek.)

rant over...

*sing song voice* "I fee-eel si-ick..." *stops singing and yawns instead*

Dontcha just love it when my blood sugar screws with me? I know I do...

Anyways - this is just here as a to-do-list for me.

- Post remaining Alec (X5-494) drabbles to fic_variations @ LJ
- Write and post Willow/Xander drabbles for fic_variations @ LJ
- Get started on the DTBJWB banners for Claire
- finish the Sweet Charity graphics
- code up voting polls for AVAs
- work on the KFGT community and get it launched ASAP

So, not many people write my second OTP. Hell, until yesterday, I didn't write it.

Which means there tends to be slightly slim pickings for it when it comes to reading matter. And even slimmer pickings when it comes to reading matter that's actually any good.

And one of my favourites has disappeared. *sobs*

Does anyone, by any possible fluke, have a working link or a saved copy for Kass and Lar's 'Shared Obsession' trilogy? found it!

*bats eyelashes*

(I'll post this to LJ later on this evening as well)

See, the spaces I put in at the start weren't for nothing, they were to sort the layout of this damn journal.

*sporks IJ*



88% GeekMingle² - Free Online Dating

Earlier this week smeckles90@LJ started the summer school in the university at which I work (library, for those of you new to my flist - check out the she-Giles). She came to see me afterwards and it ended up being during my tea break. I was sitting at my desk with my laptop open and my headphones on (I was working on an animation for aditu_az@LJ at the time) and I got the impression someone was watching me. I looked up, saw smeckles90@LJ and grinned. She was mouthing "Steve!! On your phone!!" as I walked towards the enquiry point. We caught up a little, talked a lot, laughed a lot, squeed a little, touched base.

The next day Claire at work (I know too many Claires now...) said as a throwaway comment "It was good to hear you laugh". Claire understands my situation and my psychoses in a way that I will leave it to her to explain if she ever wants to share, but it made me realise something. I don't laugh at work. At all.

I'm sarcastic, I snark, I bitch, I make inappropriate jokes, but I don't laugh.

I met smeckles90@LJ and wenchpixie@LJ on Friday after work in Tinderbox (coffee shop on Byres Rd in Glasgow). I laughed until it hurt.

I do laugh, I have a sense of humour. I find things so funny that I can't breathe and end up nearly choking to death (JDM talking about rimming... yes, I am a child) but somehow, the people I work with - and therefore the people I spend the most time with - don't see that.

There's something really wrong with that picture.


And anyways... I went shopping with Sis today, I put eldest nephew's and niece's* car seats in my car and drove them to the supermarket. Of course I had my Kane/Steve Carlson tape on (yes, I have a tape player in my car - wanna make something of it?) and a Steve song came on. My niece pipes up "That's your favourite man isn't it?" - what could I say....

*grins*

Out of the mouths of babes...




*(how does one punctuate that? Nephew and niece's or nephew's and nieces's? I'm not sure.)

An IJ only post because I've already posted twice today on LJ (and yeah, I didn't cross-post here because I'm lazy - I told you all this and yet you act surprised? Silly flist...)

It's been a week now since *that* phone call and I'm still freaking hyper about it - every time I get even the slightest bit down (and yeah, there's plenty I could be getting down about right now) I just remember that phone call and I'm right back to grinning like an idiot again. genuinly don't see me coming down from this for a very long time now!

Family situation is not good, I've mentioned I'm having financial difficulties right now and they're not being helped any by the family. I asked Sis at the start of June if there was any way I could borrow money for petrol for this month and she said fine. Petrol. Not for food or anything like that, just petrol to get me into work. So she gave me some on week one and when I asked in week two she said "you realise you've got a few weeks to go this month, right? How are you going to cope?" um... by holding her to her promise to loan me money maybe? *sigh* My fridge is empty, my freezer is almost empty, there's canned soup in my cupboards and dry pasta but that's pretty much it. I haven't bought food for two weeks because there's just no money for it (I will not starve, don't worry!) and things are not going to improve next month. I *think* I may have enough for petrol, and to pay the mortgage and other essential bills, and that's it. I can't pay anything to any of my credit cards for the forseeable future, at least until I get the whole mortgage/remortgage situation sorted. Thing is, I now officially have bad credit, so I'm going to have trouble re-mortgaging, it's like a bloody vicious cycle sometimes - but I'm still not letting it get me down.

Honest.

And I screwed up my meds again, I am going to have two days next week without them because I forgot to make an appointment in time to get them renewed. And when I do get the prescription I don't have the seven quid to pay for it so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I'm sure sis will give me the cash if she has it, but that's the thing - if she has it.

And yes, she does still owe me six hundred pounds, and yes, that six hundred pounds would get me a good long way out of this hole, but I know I'm never going to see it - just like I know that the petrol money she's loaned me this month is something she's expecting me to pay back.

Huh. This got a little emo there.

Dude!! Steve!! On my phone!!

*grins*

See? Works like a charm!

Okay, this isn't as down as it sounds, really. It's just some stuff I haven't really mentioned that's been going on with me, and which now I come to think about it are probably the reason I'm not sleeping particularly well.

Ha! My boss just walked out of her office to tell us something and my hayfever's pretty bad today - I was wiping at my eyes and I could see her trying to figure out whether or not to ask why I was crying. (I'm not, it's the hayfever)

My boys... I am slightly obsessed with them right now, but with good reason since they are made of awesome!

So, may I present, Kane icons!

(They're posted in my fandomsbitca mirror journal over here. I also have a mirror on GJ as well and may well post them there as well!)

(x-posted from my LJ)

My boys... Steve Carlson & Christian Kane. No pics from this week's gigs because you guys have been posting them anyway. :)

( picspam - full size images, definitely not dial up friendly )


And since I was doing this for a couple of you anyway - some tunes! (or all of the tunes zipped together)

These were mostly ripped from the MySpace sites (KaneCountry and Steve's page)

So it seems like lots of you are currently getting to see my boys and having a whale of a time. I'm insanely jealous and the only reason I don't hate you all is that you're sharing pics (and vids!) with me.

But this is the first year in four years I've not seen my boys play live and it's... not right at all. I miss my boys!

(And yes, I am kicking myself for having to say I couldn't go to acrazywench - it would have been all kinds of awesome...)

So, aditu_az has already said she would, but if any of the rest of you happen to see my boys in the near future, tell them they really have to come a little further north next time? Like say... Glasgow? Hell, if they need a place to stay, I got a spare room. If they need a place to put on the gig, I can make some suggestions...

I miss my boys...